better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
