My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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