my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
