the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
