There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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