She's like a pop up book from hell.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
