You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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