Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
