Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
i dont even know how to be here
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
