Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
