The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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