No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
