does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
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