Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
