My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
