"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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