oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
