8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
All I want is dick and wine.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
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