So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
