Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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