one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
