Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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