I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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