I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
