...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
