While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
