I am puke
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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