I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
i need to put some appletini on your dick
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
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