you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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