Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
