shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
