I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
