You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
