Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
