note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize