Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
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