After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
