After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
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