My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
