i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"