I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
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I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
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Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
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