I'm going to jail i love you
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Randomize
