I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
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His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
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But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize