i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
