she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
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