I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
