i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
home. puking in laundry basket.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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