Need sex. Gaining weight.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
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