Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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