Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
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