Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
