Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
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Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
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It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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