i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
