I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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