I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
